It didn't use to be like this before. Time was just a toy, an enjoyable river that allowed me to change, to evolve, to create the most outstanding phenomena. Not anymore though. Now I can feel it in a different way. As if the river was no longer infinite. I can see the end; it's coming.
I never used to think of the end - my life always seemed to be endless; as if every single bit of me would last forever. Thus, for every new star that was born within me, ultravioleting me with dreams and hopes and infinite possibilities, I could only feel thrilled, excited, renewed. Because of me, of my existence, they were able to form, to become, to exist, to shine and to give life to so much more. Other stars, smaller but richer, and then planets, an smaller and smaller bodies. Even sub-life, and sub-sub-life. Life within life within life.
Only very recently have I started to realize that time would not run forever within me, although I don't completely understand the reason why I couldn't see the signs before. After all, they were always so clear, ever since the first instants. Sure it felt like there were always new things arising and being born in me, but what happened to them as time went on? Couldn't I see how they aged and lost the strength of the past? Whilst it was absolutely clear that death was always the beginning of new lives, the truth is these were always significantly different. It was never really a cycle; what is dead is dead, and the life that would come out of it, whilst being absolutely new and full of possibilities, would never be more than an attempt to delay the inevitable.
I'm not only aging. I am beginning to die. I can feel it in my bones, my muscles and my inner thoughts. My cells are getting more and more spherical and elliptical, and I now have to wait so much to see the birth of a new star; while a long time ago there would be hundreds, thousands of them being born in absolutely amazing explosions of light in the same time; how young and strong it felt at that time! I'm slowly getting redder and darker, larger and colder; and if there was somebody else out there that would have been noticed straight away.
I don't know how much time I have left. After all, I'm still alive and well; the end is not waiting for me tomorrow - but it is already looking at me, in the horizon. Time, once the most enjoyable of the things within my body, is turning out to be my worst enemy - one that can not be beaten or defeated. And yet, I do not fear the end. I do not fear death. For thus it is not a product of sadness and misery, but a consequence of joy and life and light. If the end that I can now see ahead of me is the result of all the extraordinary things that I allowed to happen within me; if my death is a consequence of all the growth and evolution and change within me, than I will not only be fearless when facing it - I will embrace it with all that will be left of me by then. Because no matter how short my life will turn out to be, time is meaningless once you've experienced the creation of life within you - the birth of cells, of stars, of gigantic clouds of gas and planets and comets.
Yes, my end is near, but when it comes I will look at it with what's left of me and smile, because I lived my life to the fullest.
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